I'd like to say that this is a short post about lots of great things, but it's likely to be a long post with lots of details and drama. The best way to get across all that we've been through is a timeline, so here goes.
July 2010, Adoption agency called and asked if we would consider a 1 month old girl that had been placed with our agency by the girl's maternal grandmother. It was a risky situation because the birthmom was living on the streets but didn't want to place her child. We had 12 hours to pray about it and give our answer to the agency. We called them the next morning and said we would be willing to take this child if placement actually occurred. Through a series of many phone calls over the course of 2 days, the child's birthmother was opposed to the potential adoption and came and took the child from her mother. We were truly fine with the outcome because we've been trusting that God would bring us the baby for our family at the right time.
August 2010, Adoption agency called because they had a birthmom that had just given birth and had decided to place her daughter. This birthmom has 5 children, and had placed the third child with an adoptive family, and the other 3 children were living with various family members. The baby had some potential health concerns, but nothing serious. Agency asked if we were willing to have our profile shown. We had to let them know by the next day, so we prayed about it, and felt that we were okay with having our profile shown to this birthmom. We received a call a day later to let us know that we were not chosen. Again, we totally felt at peace about it because we know that God has chosen for us the path for adopting another child and we trust His plans.
On a side note, I had been going through Lysa TerKeurst's study, How to Be a Good Bible Study Girl, through our "Mothering Matters" Bible study at church. One of the points she makes in the book that has really stuck with me is regarding jealousy of others. While I could be jealous of friends who are pregnant, have received another child through adoption, or just have a "seemingly" better life that what I have, she reminded me in the book that I am not equipped to handle another person's good or bad. While at times I'd like to think that someone else receiving something (be it a baby, a new car, a bigger house, a raise, other nonmaterial things, etc.) is all "good," there is likely a "bad" that could come with what seems good on the outside. And God only equips me to handle the things that He gives me....He doesn't equip me for someone else's something or other, but He constantly wants me to revert my thoughts/feelings back to Him when I'm going through whatever He's chosen for me and me alone. This really helped me keep a Christ-like perspective on the situations that we've been through.
October 20th, We get another call from our agency (New Life, in case you are wondering) stating that our profile had been shown to a birthmom and that she had chosen us to be the adoptive family for her child. Agency lets us know about the background info on the unborn baby, as well as info about this birthmom. She's actually placed a child before with our agency, so she's been through the process before. Our social worker (Sara) worked with her 11 years ago, so she's got a history with our birthmom, "J." We find out that she's due November 30th. Sara wants us to have our first meeting asap because J typically gives birth early. Hudson is flying out of town the next Sunday and will be gone for 4 days (including my birthday day) so our meeting will happen a week and a half later. It's about 4 pm in the afternoon, so I decide to work with Micayla on how she could tell Hudson once he gets home. Micayla practices saying "big sister" and yells it at Hudson once he gets home. He says something like "you want to be a big sister?" and then changes that to "is Mommy trying to tell me something?" I agree that she's telling him some news and proceed to let him know about the details. We both agree that we aren't telling anyone this time around due to the likelihood of a failed placement. We rejoice at the potential of having another child in our family, but acknowledge that we need to trust God for this process.
We also have scheduled a consult for a cyst on Micayla's collarbone that our pediatrician wants a pediatric surgeon to look at. During this week, we have that consult and determine that it needs to be removed before she gets any older. We get surgery scheduled for Nov. 9th because we need to have it done before the baby arrives.
Oct. 29th, Hudson came home last night after being gone for 4 days and we are so thankful. Sara called me today to let me know that J has picked an unusual name (she doesn't tell us what) so that we aren't shocked when we meet her tomorrow. Hudson and I discuss names that evening once Micayla has gone to bed. I ask Hudson to throw out some unusual names so that we can pair them with our picked names for a girl or a boy. He says "Kale," and I ask him as "in the cabbage plant?" and he agrees. I don't remember if he threw out other names. We both agree that we need backup names in case our picked names won't work, but can't decide on anything.
Oct. 30th, Our first meeting with our birthmom, J. She's likeable and easy to talk to. It doesn't require much effort to have a conversation with her at all. She tells us that one of the reasons that she picked us was from the pictures of Micayla at Hudson's parent's ranch...because she can picture the little boy she's about to have having fun hunting and fishing on the ranch with our family. We're excited about having one of each. We discuss names...our pick for a boy is Brayden, and she says she'd like to name him Cale. I just laugh at God's humor through this process since Hudson mentioned the name Cale the night before. We schedule another meeting the following week, this time at a restaurant with a play area so that we can bring Micayla and so that we can meet her 4 year old daughter.
Nov. 7th, We meet again and bring Micayla. Sara joins us and just discusses some of the logistics of her giving birth/placement. J mentions that she rarely makes it to her due date, so at anytime she could give birth. J wants us to come to the hospital to meet Brayden and see her after she's given birth. We're excited about this because we didn't get to see Micayla until we were at placement. We'll have placement, likely at the hospital, the day she is discharged. She wants to have a "service" at the hospital for placement, so Sara works on securing a minister for the service. We say our goodbyes and plan for seeing J at the hospital.
From Nov 7th until Nov 18th there are lots of phone calls between us and the agency. There are few hiccups with this adoption, mainly concerning the birthfather, but nothing that our agency hasn't addressed before and nothing that really impedes the placement that J is planning. We've been asked to speak at an adoption conference the next day (the 8th) and I hadn't had time to write our "speech" until the day before while Micayla was at school. I spend 4 hours on the Nov. 6th writing out our speech and story of "Infertility to Adoption" only for Hudson to call me after I had finished it and was driving to pick up Micayla from school to let me know that there had been a mix-up and we weren't speaking after all. I'm upset because those 4 hours could have been spent doing lots more things, including readying our house for baby. But I trust that God has a plan for that speech at some point. We decide to join my friend's garage sale on Saturday to help us get rid of some stuff in our house and make a little bit of money for our upcoming expenses related to adoption.
We had been planning on going to TN for Thanksgiving and spending the entire week there since we hadn't been home at all this year. Because we're uncertain about our travel, I don't make plans with any of my high-school friends and college friends that I typically see at the holidays because we're just not sure if we'll be there. Due to the craziness of a birth happening at Thanksgiving, we've told a few friends that we know could help us out if we needed, as well as our parents and my sisters. We needed to plan to some degree because someone has to watch Micayla when we go up to New Life/the hospital for placement. Other than that, we tell no one about our impending life change. After talking with Sara extensively about traveling to TN, she talks with J about our plans as well and it is agreed that we will drive to TN and leave once we hear from Sara that the baby has been born. We decide to leave a few days later than planned just to give more time at home in case baby comes early.
Monday/Tuesday, Nov.8th and 9th: Micayla has surgery scheduled for the 9th, and we've taken her to the doctor the previous Friday because she's been sick for a week. She's got a bad ear infection, but since she's been on antibiotics for a few days, surgery is still scheduled. Surgery day arrives and Mom and Dad are prayerful about the care of our baby girl. She's incredibly upset the entire time we are waiting (I think she knew something was up), and nothing seems to calm her. Anesth. dr. tells us everything they'll be doing, and they think the surgery will last 15 minutes, but that she'll wake up pretty upset. After 20 minutes or so, they call us back and I can hear her crying. Surgery was a success (cyst was connected to her muscle already but benign), but she is extremely upset from the anesthesia. She's crying and unsettled for about an hour, but after a good nap at home, she's much like herself. She starts wheezing later so we call the doctor and get her an appt. with her pedi the next day. Her pedi agrees that she needs to have breathing treatments at home, and the ear infection is cleared in one ear, but moved to the other. We change antibiotics, purchase a nebulizer, and start the treatments at home. She's much better by the next day.
Friday, Nov. 19th: My eyes have been hurting a little bit off and on, but now they are turning red. I've not had a flare-up of my eye disease in over 7 years, and can't believe this is the time that it is going to happen. I get an appt. with my doctor and she confirms that I am having a flare-up, that my medication isn't working likely as well as it should, and that I am in the 7% of patients with my eye disease who has it in both eyes at the same time. Stress, you say? She wants to consider me for a new drug study, but I explain about the traveling and the potential newborn and we agree to not do the study after all.
Sunday, Nov 21st: We plan to leave after church to go to TN. We can't get our normal early am start because in the midst of all that is going on with us personally, we've got church things going as well. Now that we are directors of a SS class, our teacher has been asked to lead the contemporary service at our church effective now. Which means we have to scramble to get teachers lined up for the remainder of the year and find some new one(s) to lead our class. Hudson and I talk and pray about what we should do for our class, lean heavily on our assistant directors for a few of the everyday tasks, and try to plan a meeting of the potential teacher(s) before Thanksgiving. Since we have now agreed to drive after all to TN, we cancel a meeting we had set up, and plan it for the week after Thanksgiving. We hit the road around 2 or so, Micayla takes a little nap in the car, and we head towards TN. We know we can't make it all the way, so we agree to try for Jackson, MS. At 10:30 that evening, we pull into Jackson, MS and secure a room at a hotel for the evening. Our non-sleeping 2 year old believes that we should not sleep, but rather run around the room we are staying in. After much coaxing, she finally goes to sleep and we rest until 5:30, when she wakes up. A little earlier than what we are planning, since we have to drive still another 3 hours to get to TN and to the family. But she's not going back to sleep, so we get ready, have breakfast and head out the door around 7. Micayla, unable to last much longer, takes a very early nap in the car as we are driving. We've been praying throughout this adoption process that if anything is going to change, that God would stop it early on. We've told Micayla enough to be prepared as much as a 2 year old can be, and she delights us with her questions about a baby brother and when Brayden is coming. Excitedly, Hudson and I talk about what it will be like to have a son during our long 11 hour drive to TN, and we discuss how the upcoming Christmas season, with parties, events, etc., will be changed for us since we'll have a newborns.
Nov. 22nd: We arrive at my sister's home around noon and have lunch. Micayla is excited to see her cousins, Kathryn and Lauren, and my other sister and her son, Miles, come over later that afternoon. We're busy getting settled for the remainder of the day, as well as planning our Thanksgiving week plans. We aren't coming to TN this year after Christmas, so we decide to have a our Christmas with my sisters on Tuesday night, and menu plan (we always do appetizer night for our Christmas celebration). I plan on calling my dad the next morning to see about seeing him as well. We're planning on attending Thanksgiving lunch at his house on Thursday. My middle sister is headed out on Wed evening or Thurs morning to drive to OK to see her in-laws for the holiday, so my youngest sister and I will have lots of good time together until we leave on Friday.
Nov. 22nd/Nov. 23rd: We get Micayla asleep around 8:30 pm, and Hudson and I are asleep shortly after that. From our long drive and not sleeping much, we need the rest. We all sleep pretty well that evening and wake up around 7 or so. Micayla climbs into bed with us and really wakes us up. Hudson and I start getting ready and then he stops me. While he's checking his phone, we've received a message letting us know that Brayden was born at 3:47 am on the 23rd. Weighing in at 8 lbs, 7 oz., and 20 inches long, we're suddenly aware of the fact that after being in Memphis for approximately 18 hours, we now need to drive 11 hours back to Houston today. We go and tell my sister and decide to leave around noon, with the hope that we can see my dad and his wife before we leave, as well as have Christmas with my sisters. (Keep in mind too, that we haven't even seen one of my brothers-in-law, and the other one we saw for about 1 hour.) I call my dad only to find out he's had the flu for the past week and is quite sick in bed. I tell him I'm sorry that we won't make Thanksgiving as we planned, but they understand. I'm able to meet my college roommate at a CFA in town for a 30 minutes or so, and then we go back to Lisa's house for Christmas. We leave at noon and head back to TX. I drive most of the way to give Hudson a break, but he finishes out the last couple of hours. We get home right around 11:45 pm and are glad to be in our own beds and not in a car.
Nov. 24th: Sara calls and lets us know that we are supposed to be at the hospital for our visit around 1:00. I arrange for Micayla to go and play at a friend's house that morning. An hour or so later, Sara calls to tell us that J doesn't want us to come and visit because she's been bombarded by family and wants some alone time with Brayden. We are sad but understand completely. Hudson asks me how I'm feeling and I tell him that I have the thought that this is "the beginning of the end." He's not sure what to make of what I said. We still drop off Micayla because placement is scheduled for Thanksgiving Day, likely in the morning, and we've got to get a few baby things that we've waited until the last minute to get (burp cloths, blankets, formula, diapers, etc.). We've brought back my nephew's clothes so we're pretty much set in that area. Hudson and I are still praying that God is in control of the situation and what is best for baby would happen. We need to get a locket for our birthmom, but also need to pick up Micayla. We decide to go the jewelry store after Micayla takes a nap this afternoon. We all of our other errands done and head back to pick up our girl. Sara calls to tell us that placement is highly unlikely at this point. She tells us that J wasn't honest with her this morning about needing time with the baby, and that J was discharged this morning. Sara also tells us that the birthfather, S, is making a huge deal out of J's decision to place the baby for adoption and that this is why J is uncertain of what to do. J also told S that she has family in town for Thanksgiving and she wants to spend time with the baby and her family. I have one of those moments where I know what Hudson is about to tell me without telling me. I break down in the car, but try to keep it together a little bit because we are on the way to pick up Micayla. We are extremely upset and sad at this point. We pick up Micayla, and my friend immediately knows something is up. I can't really talk without crying, so I tell Hudson to tell her. We leave and head home and decide to let Micayla nap. I sob the whole way home because of the "lostness" that I feel....
Yes, grief for a baby that wasn't mine, but yet, on some level, was. Grief over the "role playing" I had done in my head about taking him to church the first time, having a newborn at Christmas this year, picturing Micayla as a big sister (she always told me she wanted to change his diaper), Christmas pictures for our Christmas cards, etc. All those things that a Mom dreams about with her kid(s) when there are so many "firsts." Grief over the fact that we've worked very hard at clearing out our house in order to accommodate a new little one, and yet, now we don't need to. Grief over the loss that we now have to share with those family and friends that we've told. It's the kind of painful hurt that I experienced when my Mom died---the only description I can accurately give it is feeling empty from your head to your toes. And then you just want to cry or be angry because ironically, the emptiness you are feeling hurts worse than anything you've ever felt before.
Hudson takes all of our stuff that we've bought this morning and returns it because he is handling this much better than I am. He tells me that we'll decorate for Christmas tonight and tomorrow to focus our minds on something. Micayla starts asking "when's Brayden coming" everytime we go in his room/our guest room. I break down telling her that he's not coming, she cries as well, but thankfully, gets over it quickly. But throughout that night, she continues to ask when he is coming and it breaks my heart to tell her that he isn't. I know she's processing it on her own level, but the Mama Bear in me regrets telling her anything in the first place, much less meeting J, because I know she doesn't understand.
Nov. 25th, Thanksgiving: The evening before, Hudson calls our families and lets them know of what's happened. I sent out an email to the friends that know just letting them know that it won't be happening after all and asking for prayers. We go to the grocery store that night and I get our small Thanksgiving dinner menu planned and bought. It's sad that this year, we won't be with any family on Thanksgiving, but we are going to try and make the best of it. I'm a little upset that we've driven so much to be back for something that isn't going to happen, but I'm still trying to trust that God is in the midst of everything. I keep hearing "I will redeem this" in my mind, and trust that this is God's way of reminding me that He is in charge. I'm better on Thanksgiving Day, and cooking is extremely therapeutic for me. We have a nice lunch, we decorate the outside of the house since it is low 80's and we're wearing shorts and t-shirts. Sara calls us to tell us that J was discharged yesterday morning, but the baby wasn't. J is going to pick him this afternoon with her parents, who have made her agree that the birthfather can't come to their home because he just continues to be a trouble-maker and isn't a good influence on her or the baby. Sara tells us that she'll let us know more tomorrow.
Friday, Nov. 26th: We completely forget to call our pediatrician's office to cancel our well-baby visit that we had called about Tuesday afternoon, on the recommendation of our pediatrician. We do a little shopping that morning for a few things, but mostly just stay at home and decorate the house. We purchase a 3 ft tree for 12 dollars so that we can do our Jesse tree ornaments and devotions with Micayla. Micayla continues to ask about Brayden and we tell her he's not coming. We've got other returns from the baby--a baby book, a potential lifebook to chronicle his story, a few clothes, a "big sister" set of pj's, etc. Hudson tells me he'll do them likely when she's napping. We plan on that, but it just doesn't happen today. Sara calls us to tell us that the baby went home with J last evening and that he is with her and her family. She wants placement (what?!!!) on Sunday afternoon. We're shocked that she wants placement again since we were under the impression that she had chosen not to place. Sara discusses with us about Sunday afternoon and we pray about it. Hudson and I both feel that we should still agree to this potential adoption, though I think we are both guarded at this point. We tell my sisters, only because Lisa is planning on coming and watching Micayla for us during placement and we've got to figure out the logistics. She's in OKC, OK with her in-laws, but she'll fly from there to Houston on Sunday morning and go to church with us. Lesli will help Lisa watch Lisa's girls and get them to school. Sara tells us it is still "on" and while she can't guarantee anything, she gave J the pros/cons of placing and J was very adamant about placement. I keep hearing "I will redeem this" in my head.
Saturday, Nov. 27th: We book my sister's flight to Houston after we talk to Sara again...everything is still on and we'll be doing placement at 3 pm on Sunday afternoon. Micayla seems to be awfully hot and not feeling her best. My big toe starts hurting. I begin thinking "what else?" could happen to us. I wash all of Miles' baby clothes and put them in the chest of drawers. I find the pack n' play and the sheets for it. We rearrange a few things in our guest room/baby room so that everything is in order. Hudson wants us to seriously clean our house (nesting, much?) and I agree it could use it. We get it done! Micayla definetly has a fever and seems to be coming down with a bad cold. Micayla and I will not be going to church the next morning because she's sick. We're both concerned about her, my toe, and her being sick around a newborn. We go to Target, again, to buy a few things (burp cloths, diapers, formula, etc.) since Sara calls us again to let us know everything is still on. I have no idea what is wrong with my big toe, but I'm now having trouble walking normally. We go to the jewelry store at 7 pm on Saturday evening because we've forgotten about purchasing the locket. Score one for us though--the store is having a 2 day Black Friday sale, so we get a great deal on it. We get in the car and Hudson and I talk about saying "good grief" if we have any more drama. We're driving home when Sara calls us to tell us that placement has been postponed to Tuesday afternoon at 3 pm. J wants to be able to come home with her mom on Tuesday afternoon after placement when all the other family has left after celebrating Thanksgiving and grieve privately. Sara tells us that she again, goes over with J about pros/cons about placing/not placing, and gives her every reason to get "out" of adoption, and J sticks with plan. Hudson hangs up and says "good grief." I feel numb at this point because I've already been down about it enough and I'm just not into being excited about this baby currently. Hudson and I discuss the struggle we both feel we are going to have at bonding with this baby because of the emotinal drama we've experienced thus far. We pray again that God's will would be done...whatever is best for this baby. I pray that if we aren't supposed to be in this, that He will remove us from it and let us know soon. We call my sister and tell her so that she can ride back to Memphis with her family. We change her ticket to Monday evening and from Little Rock instead (thank you Southwest for being flexible with changing our ticket!). We don't even book a return flight for her yet.
Sunday, Nov. 28th: I stay home from church with sick Micayla and watch it online as much as she allows me to. I'm still trying to continuously pray that if everything isn't going to happen, that God would stop it ASAP. I pray immensely for J, because the physical pain she's likely enduring, and the coming emotional pain that she's anticipating. I have no idea what it would be like to place my child in someone else's arms forever, and she has to be experiencing her own grief. Micayla is still feeling poorly, but it is still a bad cold. Lots of tissues later, she's finally down for the day and I think through the next couple of days. I've got clients scheduled for both Monday and Tuesday evenings. I decide to go ahead and cancel Monday's clients since Micayla is sick and Hudson will be picking up Lisa at the airport. Thankfully I'm not seeing anyone in crisis right now. My toe is still hurting, so by the time Hudson is home from church, he tells me that he's got a meeting of our potential new SS teachers scheduled for 5 pm. I tell him I have to go to the urgent care place for my toe because it is evident that it is now infected, with what I think is an ingrown toenail (which I've never had before). I go to the urgent care place and there is no wait. God must have moved mountains. I see a friendly Dr. Doh and am told that I need to have minor surgery removing part of my toenail. I am about to lose it from all the drama in my life. I tell Dr. Doh I will cry and he tells me not to. I text Hudson and ask him to pray for me, because it isn't the removal of the nail I'm worried about, it's the numbing shots beforehand. And, my fear was justified....those shots in my toe hurt much worse than the ones I used to get in my eyes. But I walk out of there without the problem anymore, I'm sure a hefty doctor's bill coming, and the peace of mind knowing that God knew this part too and has everything in control. I still want to cry.
Monday, Nov 29th: We haven't heard from Sara yet, so Lisa drives to Little Rock and boards a plane to Houston. Bad storms are in AR, so she gets delayed a little. I spend the day with Micayla at home trying to let her rest and praying all day long. She's not feeling much better, as evidenced by my typical non-sleeping child asking me if she can go to bed at noon, and then falling asleep again at 5 pm. Once Hudson and Lisa arrive, Micayla is still asleep but I wake her up so that she'll go to sleep later. They look at her and tell me she looks bad...we try to get Micayla to take tylenol but she refuses any type of bribe. Her fever is up and Hudson is worried and calling the on-call nurse, who tells us that pathological problems start when her fever hits 108. Now, hers was at 101.6 or so, but if it had climbed to 103.5 or more, we would have been driving to the ER. She finally drinks some tylenol mixed in with juice and agrees to sit and watch a VeggieTales with Daddy. She goes down pretty easily that evening for bedtime. My toe is greatly improved after my "surgery" the day before. Micayla has to go to the dr. tomorrow morning, so I'm glad my sister is here to take her if they can't work her in until the afternoon. We need to leave for placement around 2 to be at our agency at 3, so Hudson decides to go into work for a few hours that next morning, and we'll take Micayla if an appt is available.
Nov. 30th: We get Micayla an appt at 10:50 to see one the pediatricians. Hudson goes to work. I cancel my clients for this evening. Micayla has a double ear infection, needs to go back to using her nebulizer, and is going to do a series of 3 shots over 3 days in order to clear up her ear infection. We wait a long time to find all of this out, but we were a work-in, so I'm not surprised. Two hours later, we are leaving, Micayla is screaming from the shot and Hudson calls me. I hear, it's been postponed again, but have to pay out and tell him I would call him back. I call him back and he tells me he will call me back. Seemingly forever Hudson calls me back about 30 minutes later and tells me that placement has been postponed until 5 pm. This is due to the birthfather blocking the birthmother in her parent's home because he doesn't agree to the adoption. (I can't go into the details, but suffice it to say that he is not appropriate or even legally considered to be a potential parent according to the law due to some other factors.) Sara tells us that she gave J reasons to not adopt again, and J wants to go through with it. J and her mother will be at New Life at 5 pm for placement. Sara tells Hudson to contact the agency's attorney about the potential birthfather issues. Hudson does so and finds out what we already know, that adoption carries risk and there is no guarantee that any child we bring home will be able to stay with us if the rights of the parents aren't terminated. Hudson asks me to call Sara to get her to explain everything to me. I call Sara and hear the same thing. She encourages us to take the risk knowing that it is present in most domestic adoptions, and because J is still saying she wants to place with us. I tell her that Hudson and I will pray about it and call her back. I call Hudson and we talk about faith and how I don't feel God wants us to pull out of this yet, that I don't feel that we've been released from potentially becoming this baby's parents. Hudson agrees and tells me he needed to hear about having faith even in uncertain times. He calls Sara and tells her we are still agreeable to adopting this baby. He comes home. I pray that if we aren't supposed to be involved in this, that God would remove us from it in the next hour. It's about 1:30 or so. Micayla is taking a nap and my sister and I work at putting up the pack n' play, getting the carseat out, picking out pj's for the little guy for the evening, finding a blanket, etc. Hudson washes bottles. I charge the camera batteries, get the gifts ready, give instructions to Lisa about Micayla and dinner, etc. She encourages me to pack a diaper bag...I tell her I've been waiting until the last minute to do so because I just didn't know if this would happen. I pack the diaper bag...it's about 3:30, and we need to leave at 4. Hudson had to tell a few people at work because he was going to be missing the next day, and my sisters and one friend know what is going on at this point. I decide to wash my hair and fix my makeup since we'll be having pictures with J and the baby. As I fix my makeup, I hear "this isn't going to happen" in my head, followed by "I will redeem this." I somewhat dismiss the idea because how could we go through this twice in one week? I continue getting ready and come downstairs. I'm fixing Micayla's cup for Lisa so that we can leave when Hudson comes downstairs and looks at me and "it's over." He tells me that J decided to parent the baby after all, that her parents are going to help raise him (even though they had said they wouldn't), and that it is over. He cries and I remain strong this time around. He tells me he was looking forward to having a son. We hug as we grieve, again, together. I feel emotionally numb from everything, but am immediately grateful for the ease of Micayla's placement, and for my wonderful husband who was strong for me when I needed it.
I tell my sister later that I heard in my head (translate, God speaking) that this wasn't going to happen just a few minutes earlier. Micayla wakes up from her nap, so life goes back to normal quickly. Hudson wants to run to the grocery store for a few things, I do some laundry, and focus my attention on our daughter.
I didn't expect to grieve something twice in one week, but I am trying to remind myself that there is still reason to praise God throughout this---maybe it is something He is preventing us from having to deal with later on had this child been placed in our homes, whether a physical problem, a complicated finalization of adoption, etc. I might not ever know the reason behind our going through this. I'd love to say that I'm completely at peace about everything, but that wouldn't be true. I'm hurt and angry that my prayer from the beginning of our trying to adopt a second child, that we wouldn't have a failed placement, wasn't answered in the way that I wanted. I'm angry that I missed out on a week at home with my family and that my child is upset that we had to leave so early and she wanted to stay with her cousins and play while someone else wasn't being completely honest and wishy-washy with my emotions. I'm angry that we went through this not once, but twice, in one week's time. I'm angry that because I can't get pregnant, carry a child to term, deliver, and bring my baby home from the hospital without the dependence of others, or the legal issues that stem from adoption, I have to subject myself to someone else's decisions. I'm angry that it seems we've suffered enough at the difficult loss that is infertility, that we had the trauma of losing my mom right after Micayla was born, and now I don't have her here to lean on when going through this. I'm angry that no one can understand what we've been through until you've been through it yourself, yet I don't wish this pain upon anyone else because it hurts so much. I'm saddened by the loss of a little boy who we would have welcomed into our home and hearts and celebrated this Christmas season with. I'm saddened that we can't share with him a story of how great God is in weaving his life into ours. I'm saddened that I have a little girl at home who still asks where her brother is and I have to tell her over and over again that he's not coming. I'm sad that my baby girl tells me she wants to be a big sister and I have no control of that becoming a reality. I'm scared to death of letting our profile be shown to another birthmom for fear that we could go through this again. I'm scared that if I don't let go of that fear that we'll have an only child, when we've always desired to have more than one. I'm a little angry that I had to take down and remove all the things that signified a little one was coming to our family. I'm a little angry that I had to cancel two night's worth of clients (which is all I work in a week) and that that income is lost....petty I'm sure considered everything else, but I'm just being honest here. I'm sad that the one name that Hudson and I could agree on (Brayden) is now forever lost on a little someone that we won't know, but yet we've prayed for immensely. I'm sad that I know people, including J, who treat conceiving as if it were an every day thing, instead of looking at how precious a gift it is. I'm sad for my fellow adoptive-to-be parents, who might read this and be affected negatively by it because while we want things to be cemented in stone about receiving a child since we can't have children of our own, cementation (is that a word?) isn't possible. (To those of you friends who just gave birth, or are pregnant, no disrepect meant to you all, this previous statement mostly directed all the other people in the world.)
I'm happy to report that Jesus, Emmanuel, you are here. With me. I'm happy that Christmas is my favorite time of year and this year won't be the one that I don't celebrate. I'm happy to say that I get to enjoy this holiday with a precious, beautiful little 2 year old who is awed by lights, presents under the tree, and playing with baby Jesus out of her nativity set. I'm happy that I have a wonderful marriage that isn't harmed by what we go through, but strengthened. I'm thankful that I have a husband who is a greater support to me than ever, and thankful that I can return the support to him. I'm thankful that my sister was here to see us go through this, to call my other sister and fill her in, to take down the pack n' play for us, to help take baby boy clothes home so that I don't have to look at them right now. I'm thankful that Southwest had a fare sale in November and Lesli and Justin and Miles are coming to visit in December despite that we don't have a newborn. I'm thankful that Micayla took a good nap in order for me to write this because I needed to process it through blogging. I'm thankful that God knew what was best, and for this little boy, it was to be with his biological mother. I'm thankful that for whatever reason, God has something different in store for Hudson, Micayla, and myself. I'm thankful for the friends who have prayed for us, with us, and will continue to do so in the days and weeks ahead. I'm thankful that I read Psalm 30 yesterday morning and remembered that David felt like he was in the pit of hell even though he was considered to be a man after God's own heart. I'm so glad that the God I serve is the same one that can take my anger, my sadness, my grief and turn it in rejoicing and glory for Him, even if I can't see all the pieces to this puzzle. To God be the Glory in all things, both good and bad.
