Being Vulnerable...

Our life has been just a little bit crazy in the last few weeks, which is my reasoning for not really having time to post anything new. I've had several required trainings to attend for work, so attempting to get Micayla back and forth to the various babysitters, along with seeing a few more clients, has meant me driving a lot more than usual. Driving in town here requires time, and sometimes, a lot of it. I think we're in a little bit of a schedule with my work, as well as her daily routine, which makes it so much easier to plan, but I'm still having to think about feedings and naps and driving her to Hudson's work in order to drop her off so that I can continue on to my clients. We had our last home visit with our social worker, which is required before we can finalize M's adoption. We've been fingerprinted as well--so it's just a matter of time before we find out when we will be going to court to officially finalize everything. Hudson's parents just came for a visit for a few days, so life has just been busy. I'm ready for it to slow down, but that won't be happening this week either.

Micayla turned 6 months old (or did she?) on March 1, seeing as February 29th didn't exist this year. We went to the pediatrician yesterday--she's 15.6 lbs. and 26.25 in. long. She's gotten very good at sitting up by herself, and is already in that "pre-crawl" stage--she gets up on her hands and knees, but hasn't quite figured out how to move her hands to propel her anywhere. She scoots though--it's quite cute. She's so much more interactive now, and I've been enjoying all the time I've had with her, which hasn't been near as much as I would like. But that will likely be changing in the not too distant future. Another post for that...

You might be wondering though, why I would title my post "being vulnerable" when thus far, there's nothing vulnerable about what I've said. Hudson, Micayla, and I have a big day approaching quickly, and it requires us to be vulnerable, along with cautious, but most of all, to trust our Lord. And trusting we are! I'll be the first to admit that even in my trusting, fear and nervousness continue to creep back in. God's really been reminding me that I have no option but to trust in Him for everything, because He is sovereign. My hope is in Him--not in the circumstances, not the day to day events, but in Him, and Him alone.

"For you have been my hope, O Sovereign Lord,
my confidence since my youth." (Psalm 71:5)

I'm facilitating Beth Moore's Esther Bible study for a couple of the ladies that live on our cul-de-sac. It has been refreshing to get back into a group Bible study, and I've enjoyed the preparations that I've been able to make for leading it. Due to the schedules of some of the members, we meet the 2nd and 4th weeks of the month, so a normal 10 week study will likely take us 20 weeks. The good part about this is that I've been able to do a couple of days, then take time to review the days I've completed. Even though I know how the book of Esther ends, it's been fascinating to look at the events leading up to her being picked as queen, as well as her trust in her cousin Mordecai. While the Bible doesn't explicitly discuss what might or might not have been said between them, we know that after she is crowned queen, they at least had some conversations because she was able to warn the King of an assassination plot on his life, discovered by Mordecai. She followed through with Mordecai's instructions for her, which was to not reveal her nationality or family background.

"But Esther had kept secret her family background and nationality just as Mordecai had told her to do, for she continued to follow Mordecai's instructions as she had done when he was bringing her up." Esther 2:20 (NIV)

There's a couple of thoughts I have about this verse, and how it affects my own vulnerability (and I recognize that there are many other thoughts about this verse, I'm just choosing to focus on a few). First, Esther trusted Mordecai's wisdom and leadership for her life. Since they are family, it wasn't likely blind trust, but rather, this was trust that had been proven over and over again. In the midst of my circumstances, I wish I could say that I trust God like Esther trusted Mordecai. But sinfully, I can't...it's just so much easier (in the moment) to believe that my ways, my desires, my control over the situation is better than what the Lord Most High can do. And yet, the Holy Spirit quietly convicts me on this, reminding me that my trust should solely rest in Him. The other thought that jumps out at me is the fact that Mordecai, though a relative of Esther, adopted her as his own daughter.

"...and Mordecai had taken her as his own daughter when her father and mother died." (Esther 2:7b)

When Esther was parentless, Mordecai stepped in and fulfilled the role of father for her. As an adoptive parent, I understand to some degree what Mordecai felt for his daughter as he let her "go" to the King's palace for the beauty contest that was occurring. (No, I'm not letting Micayla enter a beauty pageant, if you are thinking that's where this is headed.) Mordecai trusted God to be with Esther during the time that she wasn't in his keep any longer. So it all boils back down to trust...

Which is where my vulnerability lies. This week, we travel to our adoption agency for our first visit with Micayla's birthmom and birthgrandmother since she was born. Though we'll be present, this is a visit for them to see Micayla, hold her, play with her, etc. While we've sent pictures and updates every month as part of the agreement made with our agency, they've waited 6 long months to be able to see the child that they held and spoke to in her first two days of life. While we readily agreed (and still do) that open adoption was the best option, especially for Micayla's sake, this visit creates distrust in my own heart over the process. But that's the doubt that is creeping in and taking over, and while I recognize it, I can't seem to soften it. And the trouble is, I can't really place any particular feeling I have about our upcoming visit into adequate words---I'm scared, nervous, and yet, glad that it is occurring because it will likely be the first of a couple of visits per year for the years to come. And I'm looking forward to seeing how Micayla's birthmom is doing and her response to seeing Micayla. I've prayed that the visit will go well (Micayla now having a cold doesn't make that any easier, unfortunately), and that they would see how well she is doing. Which brings me back to Mordecai and Esther---no doubt Mordecai felt conflicting emotions knowing that his daughter was going into the King's harem and could either become a cast-off, or could win. Esther, too, had to be incredibly scared when she stepped foot into the King's palace, yet she held on to the wisdom that Mordecai gave her.

And that is the type of parent I want to be. I want to instill in Micayla the best things--but that requires that God's wisdom would be upon me and that I would listen to it. I want to trust so completely in God that I don't shudder in fear when I let my daughter go--wherever that might be--in the arms of her birthmom, to Mother's Day Out, to college, etc. I want to be so filled by God that it pours out of me onto our daughter, and that she's raised to have an even better trust in God than what I possessed as a young child. And yet, it seems impossible to do this. Which reminds me to focus my eyes on God and His ability. And God softly whispers to me a reminder of a verse I memorized a long time ago.

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus through all generations, for ever and ever! Amen." (Ephesians 3:20-21)

My doubts, my fears, my lack of trusting....they all remind me that when I do trust, that God is able to work within me, and this will bring Him glory which is what He desires from me. (And what I want to do!)

And so I go into our visit with Micayla's birthmom with the hope of Jesus Christ, because from the very beginning of working with our agency, they reminded us often that our job with our birthfamilies is simply this...."to be Jesus to them." And thankfully, He can do immeasurably more in me than I can ask or imagine, and I pray it would be so.